ADHD in Adulthood: More than just "Disorder in the Head"

ADHD is often associated with fidgety children - but what happens when these children grow up? Many sufferers only realize late that their constant forgetfulness, feeling of chaos or difficulties in everyday life are not due to personal weakness, but to neurodiversity. Singer Roxanne Emery was diagnosed in 2021 and, together with her husband Richard Pink, is raising awareness of ADHD in adulthood on their shared TikTok channel @ADHD_Love . The couple's joint book, "Die Spitze des Wäschebergs" (Goldmann Verlag), was published in January. In an interview with the news agency spot on news, they talk about everyday challenges as a couple and explain why ADHD can also be a strength.

ADHD is often associated with children who are loud, disruptive and unable to sit still. Why do you think ADHD in adults is still so commonly misunderstood or undiagnosed?

Roxanne Emery: Because we don't outgrow ADHD. We just get better at hiding it. As children, people notice the hyperactivity, the interruptions, the running around. But as adults? ADHD looks like procrastination, burnout, anxiety, depression... it hides under "I'm lazy" or "I just can't get my life together." And instead of seeing it as a neurological condition, it's treated as a personality disorder.

Richard Pink: And adult ADHD isn't just one thing. Some people are loud, impulsive and chaotic. Others are quiet, inattentive and lost in their own world. ADHD doesn't go away at 18... it just gets better at fitting in.

How would you describe adult ADHD to someone who is unfamiliar with it?

Emery: Constantly struggling with what the world calls "basic tasks." Timekeeping, administration, personal care, housework... it's a feeling of never being able to take care of your own life. This can lead to a lot of shame and embarrassment.

Pink: As a partner of someone with ADHD, I struggle with forgetfulness, losing things, and management on a daily basis. Rox has so many amazing skills and qualities, but the "basic" ones we assume all adults have are the ones she struggles with.

Emery: RSD to me...that means "rejection sensitive dysphoria." Almost 100 percent of people with ADHD have that. It means that you often feel disliked or rejected by others. It goes back to childhood, where ADHD kids have received over 20,000 more pieces of negative feedback than neurotypical kids. So they've internalized that there's something wrong with them.

Pink: Memory issues. I see Rox double-entering, forgetting birthdays and appointments, and not knowing where she put literally everything. This used to be associated with a lot of shame, but now we are aware of it and are working together to create an accepting environment.

To what extent does the title of your book "The Top of the Laundry Mountain" represent life with ADHD?

Emery: Because ADHD doesn't just show up in big, dramatic things, but also in the small, everyday things. Like the laundry. The laundry gets done, but does it ever make it into the drawers? No. It stays on the "chair." The chair is a symbol of ADHD. And that's what ADHD is: half-finished tasks, forgotten resolutions, endless cycles of trying to keep a grip on life.

Pink: We also bring up a lot of our personal struggles and lives. In the UK, that's a figure of speech! To air your dirty laundry in public means to discuss things that should really remain private, so it's a play on words.

Many people with ADHD struggle with procrastination. How do you deal with this problem in your personal life?

Emery: I emotionally blackmail myself by offering myself treats and rewards when I get things done. I also find it much easier to work in company, like so many people with ADHD! We even have an app called dubbii that runs daily live sessions where over 100 people with ADHD log in and work on chores together.

Pink: Urgency is also important. Rox finds it difficult to do something unless it's really urgent! So I try to give her a small deadline to help her.

What habits or routines have proven particularly helpful for you?

Emery: The most important thing I did is I stopped trying to fix myself. Instead, I supported and accepted myself. I spent years trying to be better and more organized. I found that that only led to more shame. When I accepted my problems, I found that I was much happier.

Pink: Stress worsens ADHD symptoms, so it's very important for Rox to have a relaxed and stress-free life at home!

What advice would you give to someone newly diagnosed with ADHD?

Emery: You're not broken. You've probably spent your whole life thinking you're not trying hard enough. But it was never about effort, it was about brain wiring! Clinging to acceptance and sharing your struggles with trusted people is a good start.

Pink: You won't be able to "cure" your ADHD, but you can work with it. You're not lazy, you're not stupid, you just need different tools! My most important advice to partners and parents: be curious, not judgemental! They've been judged their whole life, they don't need that anymore.

How can someone with ADHD embrace their strengths and use them to succeed?

Emery: ADHD means high-speed creativity, resilience, intuition, passion... with the right support, it can be a superpower. When you stop trying to better yourself and focus on what you are naturally good at, you can not only achieve more than you thought possible, but also build a real sense of self-worth that sufferers often lack because of a lifetime of not feeling good enough.

Pink: Instead of asking, "How do I get my brain to work like everyone else's?", ask, "How do I build a life that works for my brain?" That's the change. Give yourself time to create, and make the most of the often amazing sensitivity that ADHDers often have.

What are the most common misconceptions about ADHD in adults?

Emery: ADHD is just "distraction": Nope! It affects memory, motivation, time, emotions, everything.

ADHD is a lack of discipline: it is not about willpower, but about dopamine and executive functions.

People with ADHD cannot concentrate: We can, but only on things that occupy our brain. That's why we have hyperfocus!

In what ways can ADHD affect relationships? And what advice would you give to partners or family members?

Emery: People with ADHD forget things, shut down, and have trouble finishing things... but it's never personal. When you're with someone who has ADHD, assume good intentions. Just because they forgot to take the trash out doesn't mean they don't care! Most of us are really trying our best!

Pink: On the other hand, partners also need to be honest about their needs. If you feel neglected or frustrated, say so without accusations. "I need more help with X" works better than "You never do Y."

Do you think the stigma of ADHD is changing? What more can society do to support neurodiverse adults?

Emery: Yes, but we still have a long way to go. The discussion is finally moving beyond children, but we need more accommodations in the workplace, better mental health support and less shame about being different. We would love to see a world where different, timeless paths to success are celebrated! And where creativity is seen as a real asset to the world of work, as opposed to a pure productivity culture.

Pink: Society needs to get over the "ADHD is quirky and fun" stereotype. Yes, they can be impulsive and creative, but ADHD can also be exhausting and painful if unsupported! The best thing we can do is create systems that don't punish neurodiverse people for struggling. The more support we offer, the more they can shine!

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